4/6/2020
I am tired, angry, I'll do this later.
Monday, April 6, 2020
Sunday, August 11, 2019
Log
very depressed again today, considering the realistic odds of being forgiven for my sins. It doesn't appear very hopeful, yet I have no choice but to retain some hope within otherwise I will become entirely dysfunctional instead of only mostly dysfunctional. I have squeezed a few drips of possible hope from my better than average familiarity with the Scriptures, but even that is pretty weak.
I don't want to give yup hope nd I don't want others to give up hope but the odds are pretty large that most believers today, including myself may already be damned. Of course the rampant heresies of the apostate church have explained away all wise cautions that would prevent them from runnign headlong off a volcano rim, but that doesn't change the truth one bit and the truth is that most of us have willfully sinned after having known the truth and accept JESUS as our Savior.
And that means either one of two things, that almost every believer alive right now is just fooling themselve and is already damned beyond forgiveness, or somehow in spite of all the idiotic explainations as to why that is not so, there is still some actual explaination that truly shows it to be otherwise, but i have never heard nor seen any such explaination and my own hopeful theory is not very solid at all.
If one is to be damned it will be that one's fault, but fault or no, if one's fate is to spend eternity in hell, it would have been much beter for that person if they had never been concieved, but they were and they will have to drown in flames without rest or hope or peace for ever. People don't want to admit it, but that is fair. To offend GOD in any way is deservign of eternal torment, but to offend him in one of the biggest ways possible, by learning the truth and accepting HIS hard won gift, then turning around defiling that precious white robe with more sin, is very near if not the same to spitting in HIS face. GOD please forgive me for my disrespect, if i can be forgiven.
Nobody wants to believe they are damned, in fact most people don't want to believe anything that they are so much as not in the mood to hear, but there is no profit at all from self delusion. i don't know if i can be saved or not but I do know that if there is any chance at all, it lies in seeking to know and obey GOD with all my heart mind and strength and since that is also the best and most logical way to live anyway, even if i were damned, unless I want to be condemned to an even lower hell, and it does matter folks, i need to put JESUS first in my life at all times.
However i am a weak and filthy man and so iam still fighting myself to gain full control to hand over that control to GOd. I do believe i am making progress, but it may all be too loittle too late, btu i still have to keep going, there is no other rational choice,and being ratinal is the only way to prevent things from becoming even worse than they already are.
i dearly wanrt to know if i can be saved, but to be honest, if i cannot be saved, i don't want to know that until I must, as it would ruin what remaining time I have not in hell, which I try to savor with all thanksgiving for every moment of it, though i am generally sad and pained and miserable, compared to hell, this is a happy vacation and i am grateful.
GOD, if I can be saved, and if I can be made pleasing and profitable to YOU, please make it so, I beg YOU. Thank you for my ability to even ask and breath air and not be burning alive for now. I ask for myself, my family and as many others as possible in JESUS Holy name. Amen.
Saturday, August 3, 2019
Log
I have decided to start making blog entries instead of entries to my memiores, so anyone odd enough to read this blog, it's about to get even more random and disjointed around these parts.
Depressed today, as usual, low energy, the strong desire to accomplish something stymied by that familiar old feeling of futility, and that old feeling is not wrong either, almost everything is futile. Still I continuously seek the paths which are worthy as well as realistic. In a very real way the average paradigm which would see me as a "loser" would nearly be justified. In some big ways I am a loser, though I would not trade my lacks away for the counterproductive mess that the "normies" consider "progress". My apathy is founded in logic and greater than average foresight, though the soil that holds it in is crushing depression.
Anyway, that's what condition my condition is in today. I wrote enthusiastically for a couple hours, then decided it was trash, as usual. I am now relaxing by writing this in the hopes it will help my mind figure out a more productive direction. A big part of my problem is that I am not in the position to do what it is that I am best at, and so I am like a fish out of water trying to figure out how I can swim. The position I need to be in is so very hard to obtain, especially with so many things working against me, but weary, really weary, as I am, I never stop trying. I have a purpose I MUST fulfill, or at least finish this life trying.
It would help if I wasn't alone, but alone easily trumps being with the wrong people, who only cause me to be even farther from my goal. Out there are a few people whose purpose in life is to help me accomplish my purpose in life. For all practical considerations and for my terrible loneliness, I dearly wish I could find them, or them me, soon.
Considering if I will go on the road with my bicycle and see if that leads me where I need to be, I have wanted to for years, and if I go this month I can still do it this year, but I have no money and my gear is not complete, its a serious thing to jump out without the right stuff. I can and have done it, but I don't need to be causing myself any more inefficiency and misery, that won't help anything. So I am basically forced to decide to stay or go with too little. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, but I got to decide now, before the window closes.
It's funny, I write so much, from 6 to 16 hours a day, but I just cant approve of any of it. When I look at it I can see pieces that are ok, but they need to be combined and altered to fit, and once I start doing that I run into the same thing. If I had someone to read it and give me feedback, someone who was like myself and could see it from my perspective, I know it would bring the top writer out of me, but I dont have such a person and maybe never will. Frustrating.
i think i will post more often to this blog if i enjoy it, and i am enjoying just writing what i want to, no more and no less, unfortunately i can't make a living off of that, or if I can I have not yet found out how. I love to write but I hate to write for people who are not like myself, to please their perspective as a way of singing for my supper. The economy of mediocrate. But I am above it, being broke at least grants the freedom of not being a slave to money, but it still stinks to have so little that it causes you to waste precieous time, precious energy, precious health and precious and rare happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone outside my clan to give me anything free on a silver plate, I just want people to get out of my way so I can go make my way in the way that is natural for me. I want to homestead a piece of wilderness and let my writing and inventing be the hobbies they should be while I chop and dig and hew for my daily bread. But the babylonians want to force people into their systemadn treat people like they are property andf slave and liek they are tresspassers upon the earth who owe a debt to the satanic globalist governments of the world. Not me you scum, i am a sovereign indigenous natutal human being upon the land of my ancesters, you are the tresspassers and debtors, yet you send your 70 I.Q. thug enforcers to tell me I cant be in the forest, MY forest, let alone to make a home there.
Foxes have holes, birds have nests, but I am not allowed to have such unless I rent it from you at exorbitant fees while slaving away in your filthy demonic system to afford it? Nay, to hell with that and to hell with any government that wants to do such things to the people it claims to serve. Your own founding document, the last one that had any Lawful validity that your kind wrote said that all people had certain unalienable rights from GOD, and that the purpose of any government, especcially in this land was to protect those rights, what a joke, you traitors couldnt be farther from that. so you take your cultural preferences and opinions and your satanic treasonous government and get thee hence. I am not your "citizen" or your property, I am property of GOD and a free man unpon the earth.
I exercise my right to live my life the best I can within the bounds of my own conscience, and so long as i do no harm to any of you, you have no right at all to do me any, nor to tell me I don't have a right to make a home in the Wilderness that I inherited from my F/fathers. Though you disgust me, I let you be here, so at the very least don't tell me I don't belong here on my own land.
I am too natural, too primal, my instincts are too straight and too strong to assimilate into that cesspit of suicidal mediocrity which is your "social experiment", therefore i seek not to interfere with your doomed filthy imploding roman empire, but rather to draw away and be separate with my own kind, forming our own culture and living our own way before THE CREATOR. Don't dare tell me i have no such righ tto my own self determination you wretches, look back at true history, not he one your kind paint over the facts, and you will see how dishonorable you are. You have no right or jurisdiction to attempt to dictate my life, you do it purely out of spite, greed and malice, which makes you unworthy of breath, let alone tolerance, yet i tolerate you in as much as i do not attempt to do more than leave you to your own self destruction.
You leave me be too. I have tolerated so very many of your incursions and torts against myself nad my loved ones, i am finished tolerating it, so i will go far from youa nd I will live quietly nd peacefull aydn avoid you all I can, but if you come into my realm again, seeking to do me harm, this time I will hurt you. I can do it, I have thought long on how, but I do not want to and I pray I will never have to waste our life energy in such a way. But a bee that doesnt sting gets his honey stolen all the more. It is a matter of principle, and a matter of weariness of the boot on my neck, and of decades of canned rage that I packed away to pursue peace with you. Dont open the can.
It makes me sad knowing that if they find me, they almost certainly will send expendable weaponized bully coward cannon fodder at me. The beast system cant stand decent people living the ancient ways and finding contentment and health. it actively seeks us out, trying to disturb our peace and torment us for its sadistic glee, like a spoiled child that pulls the wings off flies. People like to tell themselves that lower lifeforms dont feel as much pain when they are wounded or dismembered as we do, or that regardless, hurting other things makes the perpetrater "stronger" and "wiser" none of which is true. People who are cruel or inconsiderate of lesser lifeforms are wicked, vile, shallow and selfish people, who more often than not will also be willing to do fellow humans harm as well. But even if it were for merely the animal's sakes i would still despise such people. A decent person hates to harm anything and wyhen they must do it they try to do it quickly, with skill and forethought to prevent as much fear and pain as possible. That's what decent competent people do anyway, few are decent, few are competent, very few.
All the janglings of political machinations are just the gears that push the juggernaut forward, the juggernaut itself should be the making focus, those gears and redundant to hide the important ones and can mostly be can be altered, added or removed without slowing the beast, especially when so many think they know which are the pertinent gears and are wrapped up and invested in the tiny twisted paradigms that come along with believing those gears more important than they are. The truth is that nothing political can stop the juggernaut at this point, its speed and force are too great, it will require GOD to stop it, but that doesn't mean those of us whose paradigms are accurate shouldn't do what crippling, pricking and impeding as we can safely do. and the best way to do those thigns is to preach truth to the people, even when a few accept it to any degree it makes the rolling harder for the beast system. Let's make them have to claw their way to the pinnacle they will inevitably plummet from.
Depressed today, as usual, low energy, the strong desire to accomplish something stymied by that familiar old feeling of futility, and that old feeling is not wrong either, almost everything is futile. Still I continuously seek the paths which are worthy as well as realistic. In a very real way the average paradigm which would see me as a "loser" would nearly be justified. In some big ways I am a loser, though I would not trade my lacks away for the counterproductive mess that the "normies" consider "progress". My apathy is founded in logic and greater than average foresight, though the soil that holds it in is crushing depression.
Anyway, that's what condition my condition is in today. I wrote enthusiastically for a couple hours, then decided it was trash, as usual. I am now relaxing by writing this in the hopes it will help my mind figure out a more productive direction. A big part of my problem is that I am not in the position to do what it is that I am best at, and so I am like a fish out of water trying to figure out how I can swim. The position I need to be in is so very hard to obtain, especially with so many things working against me, but weary, really weary, as I am, I never stop trying. I have a purpose I MUST fulfill, or at least finish this life trying.
It would help if I wasn't alone, but alone easily trumps being with the wrong people, who only cause me to be even farther from my goal. Out there are a few people whose purpose in life is to help me accomplish my purpose in life. For all practical considerations and for my terrible loneliness, I dearly wish I could find them, or them me, soon.
Considering if I will go on the road with my bicycle and see if that leads me where I need to be, I have wanted to for years, and if I go this month I can still do it this year, but I have no money and my gear is not complete, its a serious thing to jump out without the right stuff. I can and have done it, but I don't need to be causing myself any more inefficiency and misery, that won't help anything. So I am basically forced to decide to stay or go with too little. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, but I got to decide now, before the window closes.
It's funny, I write so much, from 6 to 16 hours a day, but I just cant approve of any of it. When I look at it I can see pieces that are ok, but they need to be combined and altered to fit, and once I start doing that I run into the same thing. If I had someone to read it and give me feedback, someone who was like myself and could see it from my perspective, I know it would bring the top writer out of me, but I dont have such a person and maybe never will. Frustrating.
i think i will post more often to this blog if i enjoy it, and i am enjoying just writing what i want to, no more and no less, unfortunately i can't make a living off of that, or if I can I have not yet found out how. I love to write but I hate to write for people who are not like myself, to please their perspective as a way of singing for my supper. The economy of mediocrate. But I am above it, being broke at least grants the freedom of not being a slave to money, but it still stinks to have so little that it causes you to waste precieous time, precious energy, precious health and precious and rare happiness.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want anyone outside my clan to give me anything free on a silver plate, I just want people to get out of my way so I can go make my way in the way that is natural for me. I want to homestead a piece of wilderness and let my writing and inventing be the hobbies they should be while I chop and dig and hew for my daily bread. But the babylonians want to force people into their systemadn treat people like they are property andf slave and liek they are tresspassers upon the earth who owe a debt to the satanic globalist governments of the world. Not me you scum, i am a sovereign indigenous natutal human being upon the land of my ancesters, you are the tresspassers and debtors, yet you send your 70 I.Q. thug enforcers to tell me I cant be in the forest, MY forest, let alone to make a home there.
Foxes have holes, birds have nests, but I am not allowed to have such unless I rent it from you at exorbitant fees while slaving away in your filthy demonic system to afford it? Nay, to hell with that and to hell with any government that wants to do such things to the people it claims to serve. Your own founding document, the last one that had any Lawful validity that your kind wrote said that all people had certain unalienable rights from GOD, and that the purpose of any government, especcially in this land was to protect those rights, what a joke, you traitors couldnt be farther from that. so you take your cultural preferences and opinions and your satanic treasonous government and get thee hence. I am not your "citizen" or your property, I am property of GOD and a free man unpon the earth.
I exercise my right to live my life the best I can within the bounds of my own conscience, and so long as i do no harm to any of you, you have no right at all to do me any, nor to tell me I don't have a right to make a home in the Wilderness that I inherited from my F/fathers. Though you disgust me, I let you be here, so at the very least don't tell me I don't belong here on my own land.
I am too natural, too primal, my instincts are too straight and too strong to assimilate into that cesspit of suicidal mediocrity which is your "social experiment", therefore i seek not to interfere with your doomed filthy imploding roman empire, but rather to draw away and be separate with my own kind, forming our own culture and living our own way before THE CREATOR. Don't dare tell me i have no such righ tto my own self determination you wretches, look back at true history, not he one your kind paint over the facts, and you will see how dishonorable you are. You have no right or jurisdiction to attempt to dictate my life, you do it purely out of spite, greed and malice, which makes you unworthy of breath, let alone tolerance, yet i tolerate you in as much as i do not attempt to do more than leave you to your own self destruction.
You leave me be too. I have tolerated so very many of your incursions and torts against myself nad my loved ones, i am finished tolerating it, so i will go far from youa nd I will live quietly nd peacefull aydn avoid you all I can, but if you come into my realm again, seeking to do me harm, this time I will hurt you. I can do it, I have thought long on how, but I do not want to and I pray I will never have to waste our life energy in such a way. But a bee that doesnt sting gets his honey stolen all the more. It is a matter of principle, and a matter of weariness of the boot on my neck, and of decades of canned rage that I packed away to pursue peace with you. Dont open the can.
It makes me sad knowing that if they find me, they almost certainly will send expendable weaponized bully coward cannon fodder at me. The beast system cant stand decent people living the ancient ways and finding contentment and health. it actively seeks us out, trying to disturb our peace and torment us for its sadistic glee, like a spoiled child that pulls the wings off flies. People like to tell themselves that lower lifeforms dont feel as much pain when they are wounded or dismembered as we do, or that regardless, hurting other things makes the perpetrater "stronger" and "wiser" none of which is true. People who are cruel or inconsiderate of lesser lifeforms are wicked, vile, shallow and selfish people, who more often than not will also be willing to do fellow humans harm as well. But even if it were for merely the animal's sakes i would still despise such people. A decent person hates to harm anything and wyhen they must do it they try to do it quickly, with skill and forethought to prevent as much fear and pain as possible. That's what decent competent people do anyway, few are decent, few are competent, very few.
All the janglings of political machinations are just the gears that push the juggernaut forward, the juggernaut itself should be the making focus, those gears and redundant to hide the important ones and can mostly be can be altered, added or removed without slowing the beast, especially when so many think they know which are the pertinent gears and are wrapped up and invested in the tiny twisted paradigms that come along with believing those gears more important than they are. The truth is that nothing political can stop the juggernaut at this point, its speed and force are too great, it will require GOD to stop it, but that doesn't mean those of us whose paradigms are accurate shouldn't do what crippling, pricking and impeding as we can safely do. and the best way to do those thigns is to preach truth to the people, even when a few accept it to any degree it makes the rolling harder for the beast system. Let's make them have to claw their way to the pinnacle they will inevitably plummet from.
Thursday, June 6, 2019
This is what spoiled detatched demonic degeneracy looks like
These six things doth the Lord hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood,
An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief,
A false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among brethren.
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